The Paradoxical Theory of Change
A powerful cornerstone of Gestalt therapy is the Paradoxical Theory of Change. Put simply, it says this: change happens when we become more fully who we are—not when we try to be who we are not.
This might sound counterintuitive, particularly when we want our anxiety/depression/panic to go away!! Aren’t we in therapy to change?! Yes, but not by force. Not by efforting our way into a different version of ourselves. Change in Gestalt arises when we turn toward ourselves with awareness and compassion. When we get curious about the parts of us we’ve had to exile or suppress, and in doing so, we grow our capacity to stay present to our experience, as it is. Another way we could describe this could be as widening the container of our body to tolerate and hold more of our feelings. This way we don’t have to push away our feelings, but we can come to attend to them with compassion, and from a place where we are not overwhelmed by them.
A client who believes, “I should be more confident,” may try to fake confidence, mask their vulnerability, and avoid situations where they feel exposed. In Gestalt, we’d explore the experience of not feeling confident instead—what’s it like in your body? When did you first learn that it wasn’t safe to be unsure? What happens if we stay with that discomfort, together? What is the physical and emotional and felt sense of feeling unconfident? How did that serve you in the past? How does it cost you now? How do I contribute to this feeling in you right now?
Paradoxically, by accepting and bringing awareness to the vulnerable parts of ourselves—rather than trying to “fix” them—we often discover new energy, agency, and growth. As the late and great Gestalt therapist Erving Polster said “A basic Gestalt principle is to accentuate that which exists rather than merely attempting to change it. Nothing can change until it is first accepted.” (Gestalt Therapy Integrated: Contours of Theory & Practice)
A Practice Ground for Life
Gestalt therapy is not just about insight—it’s about experimenting with new ways of being. The therapy room becomes a kind of practice ground for the wider world, where you can try on new choices in how you express, connect, and respond.
Over time, we build more flexibility in how we organise our experience. Rather than being stuck in one fixed way of being, we become more alive, more responsive, and more able to choose how we want to be—moment by moment.
Gestalt therapy invites you to come home to yourself—not a polished, perfect version of you, but the full, breathing, feeling, changing you. We can’t go back and rewrite the conditions we grew up in, but we can shine a light on the beliefs we swallowed whole, and choose to chew them over this time, and spit out what doesn’t fit. Together.