Getting good at feeling: Self Regulation
In therapy, and especially in the world of social media, there is a lot of talk about regulation—but what does that actually mean? And what’s the difference between self-regulation, co-regulation, and auto-regulation?
Self-Regulation: Being With Ourselves Kindly
Self-regulation is our ability to notice what’s happening in our nervous system—stress, overwhelm, collapse, anxiety, shutdown—and then bring ourselves back into a state of relative calm and presence. Not to numb out but to stay with ourselves, present to our experience, however unpleasant. Being able to notice, understand, and manage our emotional and physiological responses with awareness gives us choice and flexibility in how we respond. It involves recognizing what’s happening in your body and mind, and responding intentionally rather than reactively.
This is a learned skill that builds over time, especially when we've had consistent opportunities for co-regulation. True self-regulation isn’t about suppressing emotion—it’s about being with your experience from a placed of presence, rather than from reactivity. In developmental trauma, we lose this capacity and need to find ways to learn it.
The other week I was in a room with a lot of people who were stuck in freeze physiology - in layman’s terms you could say they were quite zoned out. As I sat with them, I noticed my brain start to get foggy, and my thoughts more muffled – I felt as if I was underwater or in quicksand. My brain was moving very slowly! Grounding myself or orienting to the environment didn’t help, and so I surrendered to my experience. And yet, instead of being lost to it, I was completely and utterly present to my fogginess and slowness. I was able to watch myself with curiosity and interest, as well as stay available to the other people in the room and to myself. While this feeling of murkiness wasn’t ideal, by staying present with my experience just as it was, I was able to not lose myself but stay with myself in that state whilst feeling calm, present and at ease.
We’ve all had one of those “we need to talk,” messages, where our stomach drops and we hold our breath. Instead of spiralling into imagined scenarios or sending a panicked reply, you take a few slow breaths. You place a hand on your chest. You get up, make a cup of tea, and remind yourself you’re okay in this moment. That’s self-regulation. Coming back down.
In Somatic Experiencing and Somatic Resilience and Regulation work, we learn to track these body states with precision and care, and build a wider “window of tolerance” so that we can feel more without shutting down or flooding. We practice pendulation (moving gently between activation and rest), resourcing (connecting with supportive memories or sensations), and orienting to our present environment to remind the nervous system: It’s safe now. You’re not alone.